I'm over it ........or I've lost my Pollyanna

I put this  on FB today to try and get my Pollyana back ,   Argggg h I'm sick and tired of it  ,sick of whinging and ,breaking into tears every five mins ,etc .  Sorry this is another whinge session.  I miss me , the old me ,    I'm realising even more how different I am ,  I'm lost , so bloody lost .   J   went home today too which I  know doesn't help,     I   think I  cried more today when he went than all the other times put together .  T went to the movies then had a sleepover so I am on my own ,and the Pollyanna side of me is saying that I  can let go ,so I  have!!!  ooh look that was almost light hearted!    

Okay I'll stop the pity party now ,  fake it till you make it,  right?   I did have a bit of a pamper session tonight though   ,did my nails and a bit of a pedicure ,as I 'd like to feel good and look as good as I  can ( well as good as one can with a fat neck ! )  tomorrow night .   'Ive got some fat clothes too lol, actually its one of those  one size fits all numbers
(  top and jeans)  and it doesnt look t  oo bad . I will wear full make up as I  have to stop wearing it when I  start treatment ,yuk,    I  dont leave the house without my mascara on!    and yes I will be dancing to ABBA with all my heart ! you can  gaurantee that it will be played 50 or so times for me lol .

So I'm feeling better now ,thank   goodness huh?  ,see what  a bloody rollercoaster it all is , but that's life as I   know it etc etc . I'm reading the 'Woman's Room '(Marilyn French)  again, one of my favorite books of all time ,   I   don't know if it will help or not,   but reading about a lot of other frustrated housewives trying to find their power ,and the meaning of their lives , maybe just what I need !  I've forgotten a lot of it actually .

Have a great New Year's Eve and roll on 2012 !  

If in Doubt .......don't !

Meaning I'm still in a bit of a mood,   actually it feels hormonal more than anything which i guess is still possible ?  I went   through menopause rather quickly at the beginning of the year ,cant remember really but today its   definitely like hormones raging ! I am tearful ,and very inclined to snap at anyone and anything!  hence the if in doubt !   don't say a word! either to me or visa versa!    .  Hope I  improve by New Year as I'm going to a party at C's ,   its mainly just us girls and I'm looking forward to it .....I hope I    feel okay that day ...I  am still  sleeping a lot of the afternoon away and so I hope I  can get motivated enough to enjoy going .    The support  worker was supposed to start today but I put her off till next week as 4 oclock in the afternoon is just the wrong time for me as I  'm usually in the land of nod . ,I expected her last week ,and she didn't show so  I  guess next week we will get the show on the road as I  changed time to morning . 

my tomatoes

I took  some pics of my scar so look away as i thought it was all healed ,nearly there though ,actuaaly no i won't cos it ain't exactly 'beautiful'  !  will wait till its looking a bit better ,i put lots of aqueous cream on tonight to help with the scabing as of course i do pick at it,   sorry gross i know but i think it's something most people do .  pleas excuse typing again too  ,,i have a bit of dropsy again ive noticed so a bit weak on the right again,.  so heres some pics of my tomatos!! how exciteing huh ,just wish we had some sun to ripen them !

Christmas done and dusted!

I hope you had a great christmas and are looking forward to the New Year .

Mixed emotions at xmas ,love the kids and their excitement ,but even though i thought i'd have a good Xmas it was the same has it has been for the past 10 years.  It really has never been the same since my marriage break up and i guess one day I will accept that,I have had another family as it were, since but some things I think just take a long time to get over . The mariage breakdown was mostly on my part so theer is a lot of guilt . I get so upset every holidays when I don't go camping like we used to back then ,there are reasons why but i also feel ive done my part and certain other parties need to lookat themselves,there life has hardly changed ,where as mine has beyond all recognition. I am so angry today I can hardly speak ,but as I said get like this every year and I know that sounds mysterious ,it's good to let it out.

I had quite a big morning too ,as I went to radiation department to have my mould done for the radiation. it was quite a quick proceedure and
I was happy to have a few questions answerd etc ,start treament on the 4th . I'm feeling sick too ,have been for the last couple of days so I guess that doesn't help the mood much . Having J here has been great although I feel it's not much of a holiday for him ,but he never complains .We are going to go away next xmas, we have decided ,...camping ! so that will be something to look forward to .
I have lots of lovely photosof Christmas day ,but cant put many up as to maintain privacy of the family but here are a couple. Well with my not so good mood I  think I'll finish on that note!   Better day tomorrow ,my moods don't last long (I Hope!)

T in his tent with presents and half of his bedroom

My little M grandaughter ,she was a delight all afternoon .

me and J xx

Gingerbread house which had collapsed then remade (not by me !)

Xmas eve, eve !

I think xmas eve, eve has a proper name but I can't think of it .  I hope everyone is not too stressed and looking forward to  xmas day .

My J came home just after midnight this morning ,it was so good to see him .We talked till nearly 2 this morning so he is having  sleep in ,he says he's ususally up by 7 but he is going on his time ! We are off shopping this morning so i'll have to start getting them up soon .


So  lovely to connect with two  ladies who have had /brain tumours ,whilst reading their blogs I don't know how many times I said to myself 'yes  I can relate to that ,or' thats just how I felt ' .Thankyou ladies it was great to ''meet you '' .

I'm still headcahe free ,I did n't really want to go back on the dex agaain ,but it was neccesary ,it's onl 1 mg ,I can go up to 2 but this is working fine ,I do have an appetite again but I hardly ate for a couple of days when  I had the bad heads, so it is ok as I'm really trying to eat lots of veges and healthy food as it's so important for general health

 wating to open

the new rose bush .

hurry up tomatos!

hanging basket ,not hanging ! will hang it up on xmas day

here's a few pics of my garden ,there has been so much growth with all the rain we had . My rose has a wee way to go to open I realised when I looked at it again . Have a lovely and stress free day.

Backwards and forwards .......

I've been feeling quite unwell for the last couple of days ,headaches back with a vengence  . I went to my radiation assessment today and I will start after xmas ,treatment for 10 days ,so thats not too bad ,others have much longer ,but I guess they have to be careful when its a brain . The doctor there put me back on a low dose of steroid and I've
been headache free since lunch time .

One more sleep and my J is here ,we are so excited .  My home help starts tomorrow ,so of course I feel I have to clean the house before she comes !  I will let her vaccum though as I do find that difficult still ,somehow the hose becomes wrapped around my weak leg  ,it is so frustrating !

I'm hoping that my new rose will have opened by tomorrow too ,it is a new one that I haven't seen in flower  ,it should be beautiful .

We have wrapped quite a few presents ,and I'm doing the mad shop on Friday , I kept thinking I had more days  left ,oh well it will get done I guess,  plus J will be here to help .   I'm going to try and make a couple of these baby tea  cosy's in the next couple of days , hopefully ! I haven't finished the other one I started though .

baby tea cosy

Musings and Observations ......

I was on another site today and a thread caught my attention . I won't go into too much detail as privacy should be respected but basically it was about altruism . I looked up the meaning again just to get it right in my head.  A truly altruistc person  does not want or need recognition for their unselfishness ,the argument I read about today involved money and the person to me did not come across as altruistic at all , they were doing and had done very good things but it jarred me and others when money for their website was mentioned . I was quite saddened by the whole thing really ,it involved a  family with a terrible  illness and the things that good poeple had done for them .   I have never wanted, or asked ,or got  any monetary help at all even though I have been accused of it . I was asked why am I doing this blog and why  am so public in talking about my life ,  it is simply because I want to ,and the writing helps me immensely ,and to be honest I don't think many read it anyway or if they do they choose not to comment as you can see.   That is fine by me because as I said it is for me to help me to heal .  One other thing that stuck in my mind too as this certain  family doesn't seem to be using the support groups etc that are already establised ,  I rely heavily on my support network ,  I honestly dont know what I would  without the. Cancer society ,the Neurological ward social worker ,the advocate from there  who rings me every couple of days  ,my gp (lol)  ,I have or make a phone call to at least one of these every day.   I am also going to link up with the brain injury or a support group for those with brain tumours after the holidays. 
.
 I'm wondering if I could make contact with this family
 and just say I'm here if they'd like someone to talk to ,  she intimated that she got very lonely and I think that is sad . I will sit on the fence about everything else re their help and the argument that maybe they have recieved too much
 as we cannot know what it is like ,  but I really do think they are not getting the support that they really need to meet their emotional needs.  I get so upset when I think of  children battling cancer  ,and  I  thank god every day that I'm the one sick and not my children .

 There is nothing more difficult then dealing with a family member with a chronic or terminal (I hate that word)  I should know as I am the difficult one !! they ( family) are finding it extremely hard ,I know ,but I cant help them deal with it as I've got so much going on and I do feel guilty at times ,but I also want to scream and say ,this is how I am ,it may be temporary,  it may not but I cant deal with your overt misery at times ,  things get so misconstrued because they forget that I'm not the same  person .  I can act totally normal most of the time so I can see why the think this, all they have to do is ask me and get the bloody story straight .  I'm sick of being looked at like I'm the b from h and yet they have got the story wrong anyway !! I'm ill and some days ,like today when I've  had a headache again all day ,I'm even worse .  I can really see why people start to isolate from everyone because it is just so hard. 

Wow that was a wee (big)  pity party wasn't it!  arg it's just what's in my head .

On a lighter note 3 more sleeps untill my middle son  arrives for a week or so ,I can't wait !!!! we get on so well and I  don't have to do anything but be mum ,we talk all the time so he is well prepared but as he says' mum you are just you '  and 'I  love you '  can you see why I just adore him!!

Here's a pic of the Xmas tree and its not a good one ! ,I  took so many, and yesterday my cat knocked it over! so now its bent so I  give up , lol  and those cords ! im hoping they will be covered with the pile of presents as it grows.

Xmas week and I'm not organised

I seem to have lost my Xmas mojo  , I still haven't shopped and I just feel its all too  much now .Terrible I know and it's only because I'm coming of that drug .
I hope the  joy of Xmas   comes back .  I have my appointment at Radiology on Wednesday ,that seems like too much effort too .I know I've got to get out of this funk ,  so I will be telling myself off all day ! t
There are children out there going through far far worse ,  indulging my misery is so selfish .  That's the shame of depression I guess , I know I can get through this ,just have to push myself .    I'm still sleeping a lot ,guess it's healing although I was having dreams about M all the time ,I got very upset as one dream was so real ,it was awful waking up ,we were having conversations ,laughing and it was so bittersweet . I miss him all over again ,I cried a lot that day ,the grief was  like new .I am expecting him to walk in the door again . 

    On a lighter  note look who came to visist our street on Saturday ! the fabulous Fire Brigade brought Santa to visit . it was  lovely watching the chidldren ,although T got shy and ran back inside ,Santa walked over the road to us and gave me the sweets to give to him lol  !    Ok ,mission of the day is to LIGHTEN UP  !!

crossing the road with sweets

Santa spotting us

A Day of Tiredness .....

Very short post tonight as I am exhausted. I.
've been lying and sleeping on the sofa  for most of the day .Not a happy chappy at all ,ca
n't wait to get the last of the dex out of my system .hopefully tmorrow will be a better day.

Strength and Friends ..............

from Brain Tumour Buddies  ,wonderful messages to inspire  ,

I get asked all the time 'How do you hold it together? '   To me there is no other option  ,I have children who I value most out of anything  ,I want to watch them grow ..  I'm no stronger than the next person and it's life that has taught me strength  , and  I use what I have learnt to 'keep it together'  . 

I couldn't get through the day though without the support and love I  recieve from my family and friends ,I  have been so lucky and see,  this is where good, good ,things come from not so good  ,I have reconnected on Face Book  with girlfriends I grew up with ,after so many years out of each others lives it's  like we have never been apart , we laugh and sometimes cry ,send each other jokes and quotes and messages of inspiration ,It is wonderful .  My dear friend whom I  have known for the last 8  years rings me everyday just to say Hello ,she will  drop everything and come if I ask . I am so blessed and grateful for these wonderful women in my life.


Yay it's Saturday tomorrow ,my fav day  . I haven't any plans really , today

I slept for 3 hours again so this resting business is really kicking in now .  I did a bit more of my Tea Cosy ,I would have finished it by now in the past ,but I'm happy with how I'm going . I would like to make at least 3 more for presents ,I think I'll do the little ones  it will be quicker .

I'm reading again too !  this is so good ,I  started a new book today ,a good light read and am really enjoying it, I m not as fast as I used to be and don't read for as long, but I'm reading and comprehending
 this is great progress for me. 

Have a Fabulous Weekend

Blah Blah Blah

A blah day!  kind of boring really ,god ,  I really have been like a chipmunk on speed  ,everything is so SLOW now  . I walk slow , talk slow , think slow (well that hasn't changed actually )   .I've just woken up from sleeping since about 8.30 ish  . Still guess it hasn't been as bad as I thought except for the blah ness .

Had a major panic attack about xmas ,I  really must buy some presents or at least finish shopping .I'm a great one for  cleaning  up the minutist spillage of something pronto  !                                                                                                                                              
 ,but mention shops ,shopping ,shopping malls in quick sucession and I'll
 procrastinate till the cows come home .  Luckily I have a quite a few things that I have bought over the past year in a wardrobe , provided they are still there of course ,they could have been biffed in my mad clean up ??.   ,and I've had so many requests for Tea cosy's ,that there will be a few of them under the tree  ,luckily I  have quite a stock pile of them , I  was a rather prolific maker of tea cosy's for a while!  and yesterday I actually picked up a crochet hook and managed to crochet! its not the best tension ,but its okay just for the achievement value  ,the only thing I'm finding hard  is the mess of the wool ,it hurts my brain!  I spend more time rolling the ball of wool up neatly than the actual crochet.

Tea cosy  in the making

   

Hello Sleep !

I've been sleeping ! yes , nodding off all over the place  ,its quite weird ! can't say I'm enjoying it though as it just inerfered with my day yesterday . I.ve got so used to being busy and having a schedule for everything that any change rocks the boat .  I guess that's the ocd , . I knew I'd start to sleep after stopping the dex ,but I thought I'd enjoy it more .  I'm still up early but I slept from 12 .   I really don't mean to moan as I know I  need to sleep ,its the routine thing I'm sure and hopefully that starts to settle too . 

I'm supposed to be getting my  stitches out today and getting groceries ,  yes,  I spoke with the doctor and got a 'We wondered where you went ,the doctor was looking for you'  ! I  just repeated about the patience thing but it really went  over the receptionists head    lol so back to normal then!! I will email gp though  with my concens ,  and its not just about me ,I   have watched so many people waiting there almost loosing the will to live!  I  just dont get how they seem to ignore it ,we all expect waiting time of course we do ,but we should not accept giving our life over to the place for almost the whole morning or afternoon, we have lives too!     So I will see how I go  ,I'm too tired now to go there ,so my dramatic exit the other day backfired somewhat cos now I haven' t got the energy !!   

Xmas cracker made by my eldest son 10 years ago (very precious to me )

bits of the tree!

Merry Xmas .

Sooo 'I ll be skinny again then ?'

I stop taking the dexamethasone today yay !  although I am a wee (undersatement ) bit apprehensive ,this steroid changed and saved my life in more ways than one ,  It enabled me to live life again symptom free before the op and aid  so much after . The down side has been the weight gain and feelings of anger and agressiveness  ,but the upside has been my cooking !!!! look out Nigella  and Jamie  ,I  discovered taste again and its  been a few weeks of  almost  gourmet  meals ! not expensive but full of flavours and fresh veges  and lots and lots of peanut butter on toast
! ..Oh how I will miss you !   lashings  and lashings of peanut butter ,it was a sight  that had to be seen to be believed!!!! 

Crashed the BB yesterday ,poor T had to explain it all  to the tech on the phone as I knew I wouldn't be able to ,  he is so good and he spent an hour with them following their  instruction with me being a right pain in the background , yelling out suggestions and weell being ignored really ,I'm sure he and the tech were rolling their eyes at me and wishing I'd disappear so they could just get on with fixing the problem . I do worry I put too much pressure on him ,with my moods and OCD  , He has watched his Mum change so much and its so confusing for him at imes ,  I do wonder, if its a ,   form of ,  dare I say it  emotional abuse?  I would appreciate some opinion from other Mum's and Dads on this,  any comments would help ,it can be done anonomously (sp) . when your world changes so dramtically ,your  view can get so warped ,,I need   a reality check again '

 So we re arranged and decluttered and decorated  yesterday in the lounge .  I'm still not that happy with the  furniture  placement ,but that more to do wih the way the room is set out I  think ,but hey don't forget this is me talking !    please excuse again the poor quality of  some  ,but you'll get the general idea .  The book stacks are just thrown there really ,I can't live without books around me so still need to do those in a better arrangement ,tree's still not finished ,but she looks good in the corner .

Taking the leap .......

I had my Pathology results back today ,it  was confirmed the brain  tumour was  metastasis from the liposarcoma   ,which didn't suprise me at all .It's what I have always thought ,so now it' really is about taking that big leap of faith and trust it doesn't come back .The resection appparently worked and they did get it all ,yay!  of course there is  downside ,and I am going to have to have Radiation Therapy ,but I  always said I would take all preventative measures offered ,so I'll wait for theletter and keep on keeping on .

I had another tantrum today,I 'm getting so sick of them, I stormed out of my Doctors ,I went to get my stitches out , My doctors is probably one of the worst in regards to waiting times ,but after monthly visists for 2 years I had kinda got used to it ,I  would make a morning of it by going to the library and stop at a fave cafe for a coffee whilst waiting ,sometimes for over an hour ,   I'd of make the best out of the situation ....anyway today I warned the nurse my patience is very limited and to just start on the stitches without the my gp looking at wound(It has healed beautifully ,bald but beautiful!) .

She insisted on wating for gp and as  I said ,I stormed out after managing 45  mins , I said to Mum  ,I'm going,  I guess I wasnt too bad as I saw the  look of trepidation on Mum' face waiting for me to explode. So I just walked out the door . Now I've got to go back, I know that , but I will be putting in a complaint ,oh   ,and 2 other patients had already complained . Just had a thought, maybe they won't want me back. I  havent  received a phone call, so will ring them in the morning .I have only stayed there as the gp genuinely is a very caring ,good gp ,but over booking and poor time management by her and her staff is not conducive to the well being of her clients .As a nurse I can see all sides ,so its a shame 

I have decorated my tree! but it's still not fully done so won't be putting up any pics yet! I'm happy with it so far though and the lounge is starting to take shape ,it is so nice looking at the fairy lights  twinkling .  I 've added quite a bit of red too and coping with it rather well!  So that was my day ,full of the usual dramas that I seem to have or create !! brain tumours huh?  .

I must go back and get some more of these cute little tins ,nice for a little gift  .I of course want to keep this one !

Is Reality sinking in ? or am I coming back?

Snoopy's Christmass!!!!!!WHE...   EE .....EE

'Xmas time,  oh  Xmas time, ringing through the land '!

'Bringing peace to all the world '

Difficult day ,very, very, difficult ,awash with tears and tantrums ...all by me . The sleep deprivation is starting to hit bigtime and I'm feeling like I'm on a downward spiral a 'downer'  which is the druggie term I believe .  The brutal side of this whole mess ,in fact every thing does seem brutal and hard and sore ,I'm sore all the time in my head, and and body ,I stop sometimes and just feel the pain ,it hurts all over ,constantly too I realised . I guess I block it out as I'm on the go all the time, and when I stop, the nerve endings in my body are screaming . I have cuts and bruises everywhere ,from  banging into things .My hands are a wreck(from constant gardening) which is painful in more ways than one when you have
ocd, as you hate the thought of uncleanliness, so my hands are always in water , the plasters ( I have 6 on my hands at the moment) are always coming off ,so more go on ....get the ocd picture ,it' s a birth of a new obsession ,such fun huh? brutal, yep, a  good word ,its what I am, too brutally honest  ,I'm a pain  I do know that ...tooo full on like ,  and the bizare thing is ,it's so not how I was or am?(  GOD )   sorry its all gone twisted again in my head  ,like I said am I coming back to how I was? or have I changed into how I am?  I honestly don't see a heck of a lot of daily improvement ,

and good will to maaan !!!!!!!

I have got better ,  ie my arm and leg strength is better ,but I'm still unsteady. My talking is still weird ,blah blah blah ..........I'm like white noise aren't are ,this constant hum of ...well moaning ,heck  I wouldn;t listen to me !     so a lot of crappiness today ,I started trying to fix the Xmas tree , at least I still feel motivated enough to do the decorations ,but also depressed enough to put it off ,! bit slow tonight which probably is a good thing , gosh I may sleep! had a couple of hours today ,thank god, because I was exhausted  utterly drained ,wasted ,toast ,kaput !    lol sometimes a bit of silly inane chatter can only be good right , but wait there's more !   another brutal honesty moment! one of the weird and boy, I mean weird ,things I started doing when the symptoms started was say stuff like ' kyla moo' ,'infra stein' ,'meka dista line' fela tula ' ista nula ?????? I mean WHAT ? its so sounds like I'm  speaking a different language   ,isn't that just the weirdest thing?  I mean you make excuses as to why you do it eg  I've always done silly little ditties for my children ,like singing out loud crazy sounding  lyrics etc but when  I started doing this I only said it to myself  ,like I knew I would embarass myself if anyone heard,   I recognise its sounds nuts even as I'm doing it but I can't stop my self straight  away ,,gee ,see' I sound crazier by the bloody minute don't I  ,oh  and please excuse the swearing ,never used to do that much before either ,but I can control that to some extent other wise these posts would be banned by the upstanding blogger community that

 a bit of that brutal honesty.plaster upon plaster

and to the left

I joined lol ,I  could change but hey its something I've GOT control over if I really think about it so its for the good .OR  I really have been taken over by aliens ......... AWW Snoopy cheered me up ! I love Snoopy's Xmas song !!!!

The tree I'm going to try to emmulate , with white,silver and gold.

I wish I had stairwell !