Sunday, 11 December 2011

Is Reality sinking in ? or am I coming back?

Snoopy's Christmass!!!!!!WHE...   EE .....EE

'Xmas time,  oh  Xmas time, ringing through the land '!

'Bringing peace to all the world '
Difficult day ,very, very, difficult ,awash with tears and tantrums ...all by me . The sleep deprivation is starting to hit bigtime and I'm feeling like I'm on a downward spiral a 'downer'  which is the druggie term I believe .  The brutal side of this whole mess ,in fact every thing does seem brutal and hard and sore ,I'm sore all the time in my head, and and body ,I stop sometimes and just feel the pain ,it hurts all over ,constantly too I realised . I guess I block it out as I'm on the go all the time, and when I stop, the nerve endings in my body are screaming . I have cuts and bruises everywhere ,from  banging into things .My hands are a wreck(from constant gardening) which is painful in more ways than one when you have
ocd, as you hate the thought of uncleanliness, so my hands are always in water , the plasters ( I have 6 on my hands at the moment) are always coming off ,so more go on ....get the ocd picture ,it' s a birth of a new obsession ,such fun huh? brutal, yep, a  good word ,its what I am, too brutally honest  ,I'm a pain  I do know that ...tooo full on like ,  and the bizare thing is ,it's so not how I was or am?(  GOD )   sorry its all gone twisted again in my head  ,like I said am I coming back to how I was? or have I changed into how I am?  I honestly don't see a heck of a lot of daily improvement ,
and good will to maaan !!!!!!!
I have got better ,  ie my arm and leg strength is better ,but I'm still unsteady. My talking is still weird ,blah blah blah ..........I'm like white noise aren't are ,this constant hum of ...well moaning ,heck  I wouldn;t listen to me !     so a lot of crappiness today ,I started trying to fix the Xmas tree , at least I still feel motivated enough to do the decorations ,but also depressed enough to put it off ,! bit slow tonight which probably is a good thing , gosh I may sleep! had a couple of hours today ,thank god, because I was exhausted  utterly drained ,wasted ,toast ,kaput !    lol sometimes a bit of silly inane chatter can only be good right , but wait there's more !   another brutal honesty moment! one of the weird and boy, I mean weird ,things I started doing when the symptoms started was say stuff like ' kyla moo' ,'infra stein' ,'meka dista line' fela tula ' ista nula ?????? I mean WHAT ? its so sounds like I'm  speaking a different language   ,isn't that just the weirdest thing?  I mean you make excuses as to why you do it eg  I've always done silly little ditties for my children ,like singing out loud crazy sounding  lyrics etc but when  I started doing this I only said it to myself  ,like I knew I would embarass myself if anyone heard,   I recognise its sounds nuts even as I'm doing it but I can't stop my self straight  away ,,gee ,see' I sound crazier by the bloody minute don't I  ,oh  and please excuse the swearing ,never used to do that much before either ,but I can control that to some extent other wise these posts would be banned by the upstanding blogger community that
 a bit of that brutal honesty.plaster upon plaster
and to the left

I joined lol ,I  could change but hey its something I've GOT control over if I really think about it so its for the good .OR  I really have been taken over by aliens ......... AWW Snoopy cheered me up ! I love Snoopy's Xmas song !!!!
The tree I'm going to try to emmulate , with white,silver and gold.

I wish I had stairwell !

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