Tuesday, 6 December 2011

A saner day

Yes ,some sanity prevailed today thank goodness . I wont say I felt like my old self or 'fully balanced ' (def not that lol) but had long periods of time where the madness wasn't so obvious ,and the other good news ,some physical changes   ie I acknowledged my right side !  when i fold washing i will leave a  pile to my right ,everything on the left is folded up ,then i usually get up to put it away and leave everything on my right  ,tonight i automatically folded everything to my right ,and knew i had ! this is big for me ,its shows i am improving and the damage isn't permanent  so a huge sigh of relief there ,i will watch myself tomorrow and hopefully it stays the same.    


I spent the day in the garage and a lot of improvement there !  although it's actually quite hard for me to talk about the garage after the last few days fiasco  ,i dont know if its embarrassment ,frustration ,sadness almost ?   i think back to looking at that chaotic mess ,a mess i thought was all  meant to be and yeah i get sad ,that is the feeling ...   I  worked out why i was leaving it everywhere ..I didn't remember where i was going to put it ,i knew i had a storage area but i was waiting for me to clear that out   and  put all the other stuff in ,i couldnt understand why it wasnt ,i could not connect the two  ,i didnt need to clear anything out as it was all storage anyway ,i just needed to push it back a bit and put stuff in front .  Sounds complicated huh and i've probably bored you silly but this is what i do lol    woking things out is what i do ,simple working things out =  mind jamming huge problems that have to have a solution found!     I had an Eureka moment,  I actually yelled  'OMG  it goes in there! ' pointing to the storage cupboards ...  So yeah it makes me sad .,but I got on with it after a little cry , I dont do crying much and it was good for me not to supress my sadness ,the meds do that enough for me anyway esp as i.m reducing the Dex, ,anger comes up ,lots of anger ,angry at sad even .   I'm typing better too ,it feels easier ,never was a good typist but got by . So after NOT wanting to talk about that i've gone on and on!   guess its good to write it down ,gets it out there in my head.  


So heres some pics  ,usual story ,not finished  ,lots to arrange blah blah  but it is better and I dont just think that ,T even said 'gee mum you've done a lot of cleaning up today '   see those cupboards on the right ,yep ,they are the storage ones! sigh,   lots and lots of storage .  just put a mattress there till the bed comes  .  phew ! lots to do but I'l lget there , ooh and it was lovely going thru all my books  ,can't wait till i start reading properly again.  lots of old favs and hey lets face it I've  probably forgotten a few and they will be like new again!    and here I go ,  I  wasnt going to talk about this but I cant let it go either . This morning I rang my old flatmate to come and get the rest of her stuff (this after my eureka moment)  she came and I screamed and yelled at her for a good half hour ,this a friend who we both agreed shud move when i got sick ,but i thought we were still going to be okay ,she has visited once since and that was to pickup something she has not  come near me other wise ,her reasoning being that  she was told to stay away from me ,not true  and anyway as i pointed out to her if you really cared you wouldnt give a flying fig or listen to anyone trying to have control like that .i was so bloody angry ,so was she ,you know she looked so shocked when she saw me ? my head ,my weird  walking  ,what did she think had happened to me ? no idea at all? ,I never ask for sympathy ,I'll tell it like it is but i dont do pity or any of those other things ,she said almost its always about me ! well my god i wish it wasnt ,sorry im getting angry again....... i'll stop now long story short the friendship was toxic ,so it was time to stop it and im relieved .   troubled, troubled though  ,let it go Kim let it go ......thats the brain thing tho i think ,obsessing about everything .   so yeah, then the social worker from the hospital rang and i was still so angry ,she explained that
dex reduction can and does cause extreme periods of rage and anger ,i upset T who just doesn't need that sort of crap esp today of all days .it was horrible  ,so  so angry at mysef  .  sorry .    Right I,m tired ,writing that exhausted me ! yay we like exhaustion ,that means sleep!!!   thankyou whoever may read this ,for listening ,oh and before i forget ,please excuse me not commenting or getting to read yr blogs regularly ,its only  until my full concentration comes back ,your beautiful blogs deserve full attention  .