So yesterday was a day from hell , I was so exhauseted and strung out ,I feel like I lived six days in one and was spinning so fast out of control . Gosh sleep is so important isn't it ? I,ve just woken up now at 4 after going to sleep sitting on the floor by the couch last night at about 11 ? i was all curled up ! then i got onto the couch and slept ! thankyou god ! but i'm really troubled and a bit sad , it's hard to put into words the feeling s of absolute confusion at my thought process ,the old say\ing that 'everyone else is mad' or 'its not me' keep repeating in my head ,but it is me ,i feel nuts a lot of the time ,or not' with it ' or one step removed from myself ? oh ts hard to explain ,i get so frustrated !!!!!
i had a few headaches too which doesnt help ,especilly after banging my head under the table when i was cleaning up after dinner last night , why oh why did i di that ,I cant judhe distance well at all so just forgot to check above me !!! luckily i hit the hard back bit and not the actual scar area ,don't thnk that would have been so good.
and loook at thoses photos i did of the garage ,see , they should have been a telling thing about the last 48 hrs or so , I mean wat a bloody mess! it came to me at last night that all the collections i was going to dispaly in there WERE ALL STILL IN THE LOUNGE ! all that other stuff was the crap or real junk stuff , that one little bit of sanity came thru lol ,i'm so embarassed! well not really cos i know i cant help it ,so i'll laugh instead . the mess see I don't do mess anymore and that was how i as getting while the tumour was growing ,bits and pieces of junk everywhere all displayed in what i thought was an artistic way! so a lot of old behavior is stil there . Oh how wonderful . so here is a pic of the shelf done with less junk ! i did this yesterday afta my realisation and before i went a bit nuts again ............so as you can see even tho they are crap photos it does look a bit better!
I.ve shifted the shelf since too ,in fact the whole garage is back to chaos again ,and THIS did my head in again last nite ,what drove me to finally crash and burn ,,,i was going up and down those steps every few minutes or so ,,picking up some thing ,putting it down ,stumbling over precious china like it was newspaper ,,dropped a lid of a sugar bowl ,and just stepped over it ,T had to stop me walking in it ,i was carrying things in my bad arm like they were ,just hanging off my hand with no feeling of them being there ,honestly i could have broken and ruined a lot of years of memories ,some of this was my grandmothers ,years and years old and very precious to me. So as you can see it sure wasnt a good day.
OH HELL ,its the 6th today!!!! M's second year anniversary of his death ,oh how did i forget that till now???/ oh M ,im sorry ,thought of you all last week too ,cos i knew u would watch over me with the op ,oh honey i miss u ,u would have helped me so much with the brain thing cos u knew so much aye ?? oh hun what a hard couple of years huh ,but hey your boy is the most amazing ,strong ,beautiful little man EVER! such a credit to you M ,your times of being great dad outshone those when u found fatherhood overwhelming .he is a bright caring young boy with so so much love in his life and u would be so so proud of him.. I'll pick him up like u used to and just hug him ,,,okay? WOW 2 years ....gosh it goes fast ,time huh a healer ,? I don't know ,its a bitch while your'e wading through all the crap and trying to work out why a little boy has to lose his dad. M always said tho of all the things that happened in his life there was a God cos he had T ,he never thort he would be a hands on dad so that is a blessing ,and i know he's there with us while i'm going thru his cos BOY M knew about brain stuff aye
m ! u taught me everything i know ,that's why i can handle this,heck u did ti for years ! Thanks m for letting us know u .No one ever got us did they?they probably never will ,but we did ,that what matters. xxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxx
Whew I'm okay now and a blessing too ,I mean it is only 6 oclock in the morning so i did remember M early so i can carry him in my head all day ! .xxxx
so M heres some pics of my head ,something else we would have laughted about Comparing Scars !!!! talk about irony ,how u hated your scar ,well bugga off i,ve got one now so GET OVER IT LOL !
so lookk away those that mite find it a bit gory ,but this is my head .... lol look i,ve still got some pretty hair !!! in an unfocussed weird light type way lol . not a bad cut aye? i suprised my self cos if you swa it properly it erally isn't bad lol .