Day 7 .....

Only 3 mores sessions to go ,yay ,but thankfully the side affects have settled  ! I   haven't even had a sleep today ,which is most unusual ,mind you   I    had visitors , daughter ,kids ,and mum, after we got back from the hospital., and the cleaner came, then Sue, the cancer society social worker    ,,so quite a busy day.  It was good to vent a bit to 'Sue ,she really does get 'It'  and she gave me some good advice.  I'm now worrying about how Im only having such a short radiation time ...I know ,I know ,   I should be greatful   and I am ,but it also brings up a few fears in the fact that maybe they cant do much more anyway ?   I know they say they got it all etc but the likelyhood of it coming back still remains ,     I   guess its just a waiting game and  I do obsess about things a lot ! 

I'm worrying about lots of things ,but this is okay too , I just need to get well!! and keep the depression at bay .   I took some pics of myself, but honestly people I am not going to put them up ,talk about awful ,so bad I  laughed! then looked in the mirror 30 or so times to see if I  really do look that bad lol ! I  don't (well not   in a soft light hehe)    so roll on makeup day !!!  Its times like this I  wish  I was one of those natural beauties I tell ya!!  

my bed

my night life!!!

I thought I'd do a rearrange around the house tomorrow if I feel up to it ,  I hardly go in my bedroom anymore apart from to get clothes as I sleep in the lounge so I will  give it a pretty up ,change the duvet etc ,Ive got quite a pretty pink one ,anyway, titivation time it is . The garage room had been such a hit with the children ,they watch tele and play with their cars ,they dont even make a mess !  so I'm happy it gets used ,I'm always in there ...doing laundry  lol !   Ive got addicted to the sky channels ,namely, living and uk tv ,,so I  tend to be in the main lounge a lot ! I love my bed I have set up ,in fact everyone loves it ,it is so comfortable as a day bed ,Tiare is always trying to beat me to it .   I have the coffee table all set up so everything is within reach for the long nights ,as I  dont sleep more than a bout 3 hours and that' s   usually from about 2.30 in the morning  ,but then I do have my day sleeps (apart from today).  To be honest I do feel a bit hyped tonight ,so maybe overtiredeness has  caused it .   Notice the dreaded pill box    I   have ,I  tell you if there is one thing that makes me feel like an invalid its that! and I'm relatively lucky   as I   don't take half as many meds as some do . I was told I  probably shouldn't have it out all the time ,but with my memory and I' m quite slow to get moving when I do wake it


My morning wakeup !!

s easier to have it close by ....at least its a pretty box that I  knew would come in handy when I  bought it!  so there we are another day in the life of my changed life ......but hey once I'm recovered from the radiation ,which by all accounts could be a month   to 6weeks ,I
m sure I'll remmeber these days with a certain fondness! cos its so not me really ! I've had this cancer for 2 years and have never really felt like a 'sick' person ,   quite a hard realisation that now I do   ,and I   guess a bit freeing to admit it in some ways ,because gosh,      I  do get so tired ,its a tiredness that seeps into your pores and its nothing really to do with lack of sleep , or the symptoms or  the surgeries,    i'ts just a tiredness that I  think is natures way of saying ,"
Hey,  !  you can be quiet ,   you can just sit   ,You can cry with it ,   you  can feel the pain in your head ,  your back ,  your feet ,   and it's okay to say it ....out loud .  It's okay to shut out the chatter and the noise that goes on around you ,     while you just stop and feel ....everything .  You can sigh and put your feet up and feel the tension ease ..instead of jumping up again ....and blocking it  .  ,because how can we heal if we ignore what our bodies are saying to us ,?   If we are fighting to keep moving ,not resting     ,busy busy busy ,   how can the good cells fight the  bad ,   those   armies are forming all the time,  good cells  need peace and calm ,   bad cells thrive   on the go go go ,       so yes I'm tired but it's a good tired , a healing tired   ,and I'm going with it because I want to be well .  

Day 5 ...........

I felt really well this morning ,then went to treatment at lunchtime and it wasn't so good ,it was the first time  I  had to make a mad dash from  the car to the toilet when I got home   ,but it soon passed and I slept for most of the afternoon .  At  least I managed some housework beforehand and picked some of my white roses ,they have gone mad ,so it's lovely having them dotted around the lounge . .they make me happy to look at them .

Tiare has gone to his sisters for a couple of nights so he gets a break from me! he is so good though and I don't have to really worry about him when I'm sleeping ,he is very self sufficient and amuses himself with his leggo and dvd's, and the computer ,he is a mad  'Top Gear' fan ( an english TV show about men and their cars ) and he watches old episodes on u tube! as well as sky ,
I tell you if this child doesn't have a career concerning cars I'll eat my hat! ,and I don't mean car  salesman type thing either  (not that there is anythig wrong with that ) it's more he knows so much about classic cars , makes models  and all the latest ones too ,he is a walking encylopaedia  .

I haven't taken the photos of   myself  as the camera decided to play up after I had taken some pics of the roses ,will try again in the morning .  My scar is very irritated at the moment   too. so I must get it looked at tomorrow by the nurses .   I ran into the physchologist today  and  I' ll be seeing her in a couple of weeks,  she was very helpful last year when I saw her so it will be good to catch up  . I do have a lot of " issues "  for want of a better word ,  I have so much anger at times,  it doesn't sit well with me ,and it's not anger as such about being ill again but the fact that the tumour had changed my way the brain thinks / it's hard to explain ,eg   things I may not have thought about for years will flash in my head and I get angry about it ,they are never good memories ever ,so I'd love to get to the bottom of that if I can ,I  hope it will settle down .    Good question that "what will change forever?' 
I know everyone treads around me on eggshells as they aren't sure if what im saying is what I mean ,or they immediatley think I can't do  something when really I function a lot on the same level ,it drives me nuts ,  and makes me angry ,or they try and talk to me with their intelligence when all I want is patience ,I  really don't care about the ins and outs of things.  those minute details which  added up mean nothing .,  . You can really tell the people who have not dealt with brain issues  well ,I  learnt a lot from M  and my father and I thank god I have retained a lot of it  ,and I
m happy to say I know I was a lot more understanding than some of the patronising rubbish I put up with.  

Well that was a big vent ,guess the anger came up a bit ! still that's  what this blog is all about ! mmm they seem quite strong words especially for me,  as I  said it doesn't sit well ,but I always said when I started this that I will say what I  think .   I will end on a grateful note and say I am very grateful for the help,love and support I  receive ,I know I  am very blessed to have such good family and friends . ..

Day 4 of treatment ...... a bit yuk!

The side affects are kicking in  a bit more now,  lots of sleepiness and nausea , have started taking the maxalon 2x a day today , ,I m still eating but my appetite is not what is was. which is probably a good thing. smell of cooking are getting to me a bit ,I    may even take people up on their offers to cook a meal , I dont take up many offers ,silly really as it will help . I've been getting in to my treatments early most days ,am back home again within the hour .  The worst time is the hour straight after ,and the ride home doesn't help as its like motion sickness so I feel every jolt ,brake etc on the road . I actually fell asleep on the way home today as I find if I  close my eyes it helps and I  drifted off .  I slept for most of the afternoon and I'm feeling a bit sick now so sitting up for a while may help it  pass .

Emtionally I'm feeling a bit numb ,I ve started to think a lot about what if ? after radiation ,the metastisis  come back ,quite negative thinking for me really ,usually im great at denial !lol ,I guess when you go through this everything seems so, or too much ,to comprehend at once and it comes through in dribs and drabs .I do feel  I'm wasting a lot of time! what I could be doing ,etc but I also know I've got to make getting well a priority .    I'm looking absolutely frightful too ,got a bit upset about that on the weekend too ,but I'm okay now ,I still do a good 'beauty '? regime  every night and morning  ,my skin has never been so soft lol ,red an d blotchy but its soft !   my  hair is growing really fast too ,its very grey but still with a few blonde bits ! Tiare thinks its a 'cool' colour  .I  will take some photos tomorrow, it's weird  but I  do want to remember what I  looked like going through  treatment .

5 hours sleep !! yay

lol ,the things I get excited about !  I  setteled in at 1.30 am as usual this morning to watch the movie on vibe ,as I  do every morning   ,next thing I knew it was 5 am and I  turned of the tv and slept till 8 !!  missed pill time ,but, oh sleep glorious sleep   !

Day 3 of radiation yesterday ,had the usual instant headache about 10 mins after treatment and a sleep ,but the nausea wasn'
t too bad ,I  talked to the radiologist as I thought it was too early for side affects but she said they probablably are,and anyway if one of them is sleeping I 'm okay with that .Not that I want to sleep my days away I don't ,too much to do, but after being so sleep deprived for so long it's good for my   health to have more rest .I am even making proper rest times ,like a little old nana lol  !but it does help ,and now I'm reading again its nice to drift off for a while after a few chapters .  

My roses have gone mad!   I 'm picking  them everyday ,its so nice having flowers in the house all the time ,I spent some time in the garden yesterday ,tidying up and looking at my lawn which needs mowing desperatley ,my student is away so will have to wait till he's back unless some kind son in law comes and does it for me lol! although he's away too . 

So this rain ! , I couldn't believe it when I  woke this morning ,where is Summer??? I 've been quite down at times about going through all this in the hols but I   have so much  sympathy for those who have worked hard all year and now they cant enjoy their time off without rain ,rain ,rain!   and typically it will be hot ,and stunning blue sky's ,when the children go back to school!

Also  thoughts to Christchurch  people ,now they do have it hard ,they have been plagued by more aftershocks over the last week or so ,and by all accounts a bad night last night . I really don't know how they do it ,I  go on another message board at times where there are quite a few ladies from there and their amazing attitude and the way they handle it all blows me away .These are young women mostly with young children , I really do take my hat(scarf) ! off to them .  So lots of good vibes to all of you in Christchurch . 

Well the child is still asleep ,mind you another late night for him,  I'm dreading school starting as I'
ve got to get him into a routine  again .  I have let him get away with lots! and I guess have given my control away,  we had an argument at 11 last night as he thought he'
d go on the computer! I did put my foot down ! I do not like late night rows like that ,it's  up to me to put it right . A lot of it goes back to his dad dying too ,he got through a lot of bad times by diverting his attention (,stopping bad thought  guess ) with his games and dvd's etc and as a mum you don't want them upset so I let it go a lot as long as we talked about M,
I thought it was okay ,but I realise now we probably diverted too much and this habit is still here 2 years later . 

Have a lovely weekend all, in spite of the grey skies AGAIN!!

Day 2 ........Radiation

2 down 8 to go  !  got there early today and went pretty much straight in so that was good . I don't know if its in my head(excuse the pun!) or it is a side affect but i don't feel so well about 10 mins after the treatment ,the metalic taste in the mouth is quite strong and i do feel a bit nauseous . I then sleep for awhile when i get home .It seems to pass though and i have had a good evening ,managed to cook a nice dinner and spend  time with Tiare .

I belong to a Fb group and we are all survivors of liposarcoma ,I have 'met'  the first person from NZ who has recetly been diagnosed . funningy enough it worked out we had  noticed each other one day we were at appointments ,but you don't really imagine that the person   cross the room is seein about her treatment for one of the rarest forms of cancer as  well do you/?been lovely meeting her (as it were) and I'm  sur we will make the best out of being in this exclusive   club of ours! nd i hope i can be of some help to her .  

Sorry typing not good tonight!!!  i just tried spell check again ,but nope ,still NOT HAppening!. Its bit like when i think about driving ,i honestly giggle and its not really funny at all ,but i have no idea how to drive still!!  I must sit in mums tomrrow and see what my feet do!!  Weird really weird huh!    Oh and i'm NOT enjoying the no makeup ! I don't    even look in the mirror now  ! I didnt evn wear a lot ,you know ,but hard to break a 30 odd year habit i guess!  Id put a pic up but seriously it aint beautiful!!!!!!!!!!!!

First post of the New Year .............

Well its been 5 days into this year ,I have been sleeping for most of it !! Had a great New years eve and then a quiet few days recovering!!!  have had some headaches again and very  sleepy ,but feeling better now medication has been upped a bit . Hope everyone had a great start to the year. the pics i took didn't turn out very well ,they are all a bit dark was so dissappointed ! 

I had my first radiation treatment today  ,it was okay ,9 more to go!  it was a bit freaky as the mask was really tight on my face ,but they said that it will loosen up with time . i'm lucky i guess that at this stage im only having 9 sessions ,they are flying in the wind a bit with me as its so rare for the liopsarcoma to go to the brain,and the radiation is prevention in case any little spot is left .I just hope it hasnt had a chance to go anywhere else ,mind you not many more places for it to go!! 

Gosh like everyone i am sick of this weather ,I  haven't been in the garden for days ! hoping for some time tomorrow . My new rose has bloomed though ,  it's a  pretty apricot . Sorry they have ben picked for a couple of days.  Well must get some more sleep , went to sleep early tonight and then woke as usual wide awake .

I'm over it ........or I've lost my Pollyanna

I put this  on FB today to try and get my Pollyana back ,   Argggg h I'm sick and tired of it  ,sick of whinging and ,breaking into tears every five mins ,etc .  Sorry this is another whinge session.  I miss me , the old me ,    I'm realising even more how different I am ,  I'm lost , so bloody lost .   J   went home today too which I  know doesn't help,     I   think I  cried more today when he went than all the other times put together .  T went to the movies then had a sleepover so I am on my own ,and the Pollyanna side of me is saying that I  can let go ,so I  have!!!  ooh look that was almost light hearted!    

Okay I'll stop the pity party now ,  fake it till you make it,  right?   I did have a bit of a pamper session tonight though   ,did my nails and a bit of a pedicure ,as I 'd like to feel good and look as good as I  can ( well as good as one can with a fat neck ! )  tomorrow night .   'Ive got some fat clothes too lol, actually its one of those  one size fits all numbers
(  top and jeans)  and it doesnt look t  oo bad . I will wear full make up as I  have to stop wearing it when I  start treatment ,yuk,    I  dont leave the house without my mascara on!    and yes I will be dancing to ABBA with all my heart ! you can  gaurantee that it will be played 50 or so times for me lol .

So I'm feeling better now ,thank   goodness huh?  ,see what  a bloody rollercoaster it all is , but that's life as I   know it etc etc . I'm reading the 'Woman's Room '(Marilyn French)  again, one of my favorite books of all time ,   I   don't know if it will help or not,   but reading about a lot of other frustrated housewives trying to find their power ,and the meaning of their lives , maybe just what I need !  I've forgotten a lot of it actually .

Have a great New Year's Eve and roll on 2012 !  

If in Doubt .......don't !

Meaning I'm still in a bit of a mood,   actually it feels hormonal more than anything which i guess is still possible ?  I went   through menopause rather quickly at the beginning of the year ,cant remember really but today its   definitely like hormones raging ! I am tearful ,and very inclined to snap at anyone and anything!  hence the if in doubt !   don't say a word! either to me or visa versa!    .  Hope I  improve by New Year as I'm going to a party at C's ,   its mainly just us girls and I'm looking forward to it .....I hope I    feel okay that day ...I  am still  sleeping a lot of the afternoon away and so I hope I  can get motivated enough to enjoy going .    The support  worker was supposed to start today but I put her off till next week as 4 oclock in the afternoon is just the wrong time for me as I  'm usually in the land of nod . ,I expected her last week ,and she didn't show so  I  guess next week we will get the show on the road as I  changed time to morning . 

my tomatoes

I took  some pics of my scar so look away as i thought it was all healed ,nearly there though ,actuaaly no i won't cos it ain't exactly 'beautiful'  !  will wait till its looking a bit better ,i put lots of aqueous cream on tonight to help with the scabing as of course i do pick at it,   sorry gross i know but i think it's something most people do .  pleas excuse typing again too  ,,i have a bit of dropsy again ive noticed so a bit weak on the right again,.  so heres some pics of my tomatos!! how exciteing huh ,just wish we had some sun to ripen them !

Christmas done and dusted!

I hope you had a great christmas and are looking forward to the New Year .

Mixed emotions at xmas ,love the kids and their excitement ,but even though i thought i'd have a good Xmas it was the same has it has been for the past 10 years.  It really has never been the same since my marriage break up and i guess one day I will accept that,I have had another family as it were, since but some things I think just take a long time to get over . The mariage breakdown was mostly on my part so theer is a lot of guilt . I get so upset every holidays when I don't go camping like we used to back then ,there are reasons why but i also feel ive done my part and certain other parties need to lookat themselves,there life has hardly changed ,where as mine has beyond all recognition. I am so angry today I can hardly speak ,but as I said get like this every year and I know that sounds mysterious ,it's good to let it out.

I had quite a big morning too ,as I went to radiation department to have my mould done for the radiation. it was quite a quick proceedure and
I was happy to have a few questions answerd etc ,start treament on the 4th . I'm feeling sick too ,have been for the last couple of days so I guess that doesn't help the mood much . Having J here has been great although I feel it's not much of a holiday for him ,but he never complains .We are going to go away next xmas, we have decided ,...camping ! so that will be something to look forward to .
I have lots of lovely photosof Christmas day ,but cant put many up as to maintain privacy of the family but here are a couple. Well with my not so good mood I  think I'll finish on that note!   Better day tomorrow ,my moods don't last long (I Hope!)

T in his tent with presents and half of his bedroom

My little M grandaughter ,she was a delight all afternoon .

me and J xx

Gingerbread house which had collapsed then remade (not by me !)

Xmas eve, eve !

I think xmas eve, eve has a proper name but I can't think of it .  I hope everyone is not too stressed and looking forward to  xmas day .

My J came home just after midnight this morning ,it was so good to see him .We talked till nearly 2 this morning so he is having  sleep in ,he says he's ususally up by 7 but he is going on his time ! We are off shopping this morning so i'll have to start getting them up soon .


So  lovely to connect with two  ladies who have had /brain tumours ,whilst reading their blogs I don't know how many times I said to myself 'yes  I can relate to that ,or' thats just how I felt ' .Thankyou ladies it was great to ''meet you '' .

I'm still headcahe free ,I did n't really want to go back on the dex agaain ,but it was neccesary ,it's onl 1 mg ,I can go up to 2 but this is working fine ,I do have an appetite again but I hardly ate for a couple of days when  I had the bad heads, so it is ok as I'm really trying to eat lots of veges and healthy food as it's so important for general health

 wating to open

the new rose bush .

hurry up tomatos!

hanging basket ,not hanging ! will hang it up on xmas day

here's a few pics of my garden ,there has been so much growth with all the rain we had . My rose has a wee way to go to open I realised when I looked at it again . Have a lovely and stress free day.

Backwards and forwards .......

I've been feeling quite unwell for the last couple of days ,headaches back with a vengence  . I went to my radiation assessment today and I will start after xmas ,treatment for 10 days ,so thats not too bad ,others have much longer ,but I guess they have to be careful when its a brain . The doctor there put me back on a low dose of steroid and I've
been headache free since lunch time .

One more sleep and my J is here ,we are so excited .  My home help starts tomorrow ,so of course I feel I have to clean the house before she comes !  I will let her vaccum though as I do find that difficult still ,somehow the hose becomes wrapped around my weak leg  ,it is so frustrating !

I'm hoping that my new rose will have opened by tomorrow too ,it is a new one that I haven't seen in flower  ,it should be beautiful .

We have wrapped quite a few presents ,and I'm doing the mad shop on Friday , I kept thinking I had more days  left ,oh well it will get done I guess,  plus J will be here to help .   I'm going to try and make a couple of these baby tea  cosy's in the next couple of days , hopefully ! I haven't finished the other one I started though .

baby tea cosy

Musings and Observations ......

I was on another site today and a thread caught my attention . I won't go into too much detail as privacy should be respected but basically it was about altruism . I looked up the meaning again just to get it right in my head.  A truly altruistc person  does not want or need recognition for their unselfishness ,the argument I read about today involved money and the person to me did not come across as altruistic at all , they were doing and had done very good things but it jarred me and others when money for their website was mentioned . I was quite saddened by the whole thing really ,it involved a  family with a terrible  illness and the things that good poeple had done for them .   I have never wanted, or asked ,or got  any monetary help at all even though I have been accused of it . I was asked why am I doing this blog and why  am so public in talking about my life ,  it is simply because I want to ,and the writing helps me immensely ,and to be honest I don't think many read it anyway or if they do they choose not to comment as you can see.   That is fine by me because as I said it is for me to help me to heal .  One other thing that stuck in my mind too as this certain  family doesn't seem to be using the support groups etc that are already establised ,  I rely heavily on my support network ,  I honestly dont know what I would  without the. Cancer society ,the Neurological ward social worker ,the advocate from there  who rings me every couple of days  ,my gp (lol)  ,I have or make a phone call to at least one of these every day.   I am also going to link up with the brain injury or a support group for those with brain tumours after the holidays. 
.
 I'm wondering if I could make contact with this family
 and just say I'm here if they'd like someone to talk to ,  she intimated that she got very lonely and I think that is sad . I will sit on the fence about everything else re their help and the argument that maybe they have recieved too much
 as we cannot know what it is like ,  but I really do think they are not getting the support that they really need to meet their emotional needs.  I get so upset when I think of  children battling cancer  ,and  I  thank god every day that I'm the one sick and not my children .

 There is nothing more difficult then dealing with a family member with a chronic or terminal (I hate that word)  I should know as I am the difficult one !! they ( family) are finding it extremely hard ,I know ,but I cant help them deal with it as I've got so much going on and I do feel guilty at times ,but I also want to scream and say ,this is how I am ,it may be temporary,  it may not but I cant deal with your overt misery at times ,  things get so misconstrued because they forget that I'm not the same  person .  I can act totally normal most of the time so I can see why the think this, all they have to do is ask me and get the bloody story straight .  I'm sick of being looked at like I'm the b from h and yet they have got the story wrong anyway !! I'm ill and some days ,like today when I've  had a headache again all day ,I'm even worse .  I can really see why people start to isolate from everyone because it is just so hard. 

Wow that was a wee (big)  pity party wasn't it!  arg it's just what's in my head .

On a lighter note 3 more sleeps untill my middle son  arrives for a week or so ,I can't wait !!!! we get on so well and I  don't have to do anything but be mum ,we talk all the time so he is well prepared but as he says' mum you are just you '  and 'I  love you '  can you see why I just adore him!!

Here's a pic of the Xmas tree and its not a good one ! ,I  took so many, and yesterday my cat knocked it over! so now its bent so I  give up , lol  and those cords ! im hoping they will be covered with the pile of presents as it grows.

Xmas week and I'm not organised

I seem to have lost my Xmas mojo  , I still haven't shopped and I just feel its all too  much now .Terrible I know and it's only because I'm coming of that drug .
I hope the  joy of Xmas   comes back .  I have my appointment at Radiology on Wednesday ,that seems like too much effort too .I know I've got to get out of this funk ,  so I will be telling myself off all day ! t
There are children out there going through far far worse ,  indulging my misery is so selfish .  That's the shame of depression I guess , I know I can get through this ,just have to push myself .    I'm still sleeping a lot ,guess it's healing although I was having dreams about M all the time ,I got very upset as one dream was so real ,it was awful waking up ,we were having conversations ,laughing and it was so bittersweet . I miss him all over again ,I cried a lot that day ,the grief was  like new .I am expecting him to walk in the door again . 

    On a lighter  note look who came to visist our street on Saturday ! the fabulous Fire Brigade brought Santa to visit . it was  lovely watching the chidldren ,although T got shy and ran back inside ,Santa walked over the road to us and gave me the sweets to give to him lol  !    Ok ,mission of the day is to LIGHTEN UP  !!

crossing the road with sweets

Santa spotting us

A Day of Tiredness .....

Very short post tonight as I am exhausted. I.
've been lying and sleeping on the sofa  for most of the day .Not a happy chappy at all ,ca
n't wait to get the last of the dex out of my system .hopefully tmorrow will be a better day.

Strength and Friends ..............

from Brain Tumour Buddies  ,wonderful messages to inspire  ,

I get asked all the time 'How do you hold it together? '   To me there is no other option  ,I have children who I value most out of anything  ,I want to watch them grow ..  I'm no stronger than the next person and it's life that has taught me strength  , and  I use what I have learnt to 'keep it together'  . 

I couldn't get through the day though without the support and love I  recieve from my family and friends ,I  have been so lucky and see,  this is where good, good ,things come from not so good  ,I have reconnected on Face Book  with girlfriends I grew up with ,after so many years out of each others lives it's  like we have never been apart , we laugh and sometimes cry ,send each other jokes and quotes and messages of inspiration ,It is wonderful .  My dear friend whom I  have known for the last 8  years rings me everyday just to say Hello ,she will  drop everything and come if I ask . I am so blessed and grateful for these wonderful women in my life.


Yay it's Saturday tomorrow ,my fav day  . I haven't any plans really , today

I slept for 3 hours again so this resting business is really kicking in now .  I did a bit more of my Tea Cosy ,I would have finished it by now in the past ,but I'm happy with how I'm going . I would like to make at least 3 more for presents ,I think I'll do the little ones  it will be quicker .

I'm reading again too !  this is so good ,I  started a new book today ,a good light read and am really enjoying it, I m not as fast as I used to be and don't read for as long, but I'm reading and comprehending
 this is great progress for me. 

Have a Fabulous Weekend

Blah Blah Blah

A blah day!  kind of boring really ,god ,  I really have been like a chipmunk on speed  ,everything is so SLOW now  . I walk slow , talk slow , think slow (well that hasn't changed actually )   .I've just woken up from sleeping since about 8.30 ish  . Still guess it hasn't been as bad as I thought except for the blah ness .

Had a major panic attack about xmas ,I  really must buy some presents or at least finish shopping .I'm a great one for  cleaning  up the minutist spillage of something pronto  !                                                                                                                                              
 ,but mention shops ,shopping ,shopping malls in quick sucession and I'll
 procrastinate till the cows come home .  Luckily I have a quite a few things that I have bought over the past year in a wardrobe , provided they are still there of course ,they could have been biffed in my mad clean up ??.   ,and I've had so many requests for Tea cosy's ,that there will be a few of them under the tree  ,luckily I  have quite a stock pile of them , I  was a rather prolific maker of tea cosy's for a while!  and yesterday I actually picked up a crochet hook and managed to crochet! its not the best tension ,but its okay just for the achievement value  ,the only thing I'm finding hard  is the mess of the wool ,it hurts my brain!  I spend more time rolling the ball of wool up neatly than the actual crochet.

Tea cosy  in the making

   

Hello Sleep !

I've been sleeping ! yes , nodding off all over the place  ,its quite weird ! can't say I'm enjoying it though as it just inerfered with my day yesterday . I.ve got so used to being busy and having a schedule for everything that any change rocks the boat .  I guess that's the ocd , . I knew I'd start to sleep after stopping the dex ,but I thought I'd enjoy it more .  I'm still up early but I slept from 12 .   I really don't mean to moan as I know I  need to sleep ,its the routine thing I'm sure and hopefully that starts to settle too . 

I'm supposed to be getting my  stitches out today and getting groceries ,  yes,  I spoke with the doctor and got a 'We wondered where you went ,the doctor was looking for you'  ! I  just repeated about the patience thing but it really went  over the receptionists head    lol so back to normal then!! I will email gp though  with my concens ,  and its not just about me ,I   have watched so many people waiting there almost loosing the will to live!  I  just dont get how they seem to ignore it ,we all expect waiting time of course we do ,but we should not accept giving our life over to the place for almost the whole morning or afternoon, we have lives too!     So I will see how I go  ,I'm too tired now to go there ,so my dramatic exit the other day backfired somewhat cos now I haven' t got the energy !!   

Xmas cracker made by my eldest son 10 years ago (very precious to me )

bits of the tree!

Merry Xmas .

Sooo 'I ll be skinny again then ?'

I stop taking the dexamethasone today yay !  although I am a wee (undersatement ) bit apprehensive ,this steroid changed and saved my life in more ways than one ,  It enabled me to live life again symptom free before the op and aid  so much after . The down side has been the weight gain and feelings of anger and agressiveness  ,but the upside has been my cooking !!!! look out Nigella  and Jamie  ,I  discovered taste again and its  been a few weeks of  almost  gourmet  meals ! not expensive but full of flavours and fresh veges  and lots and lots of peanut butter on toast
! ..Oh how I will miss you !   lashings  and lashings of peanut butter ,it was a sight  that had to be seen to be believed!!!! 

Crashed the BB yesterday ,poor T had to explain it all  to the tech on the phone as I knew I wouldn't be able to ,  he is so good and he spent an hour with them following their  instruction with me being a right pain in the background , yelling out suggestions and weell being ignored really ,I'm sure he and the tech were rolling their eyes at me and wishing I'd disappear so they could just get on with fixing the problem . I do worry I put too much pressure on him ,with my moods and OCD  , He has watched his Mum change so much and its so confusing for him at imes ,  I do wonder, if its a ,   form of ,  dare I say it  emotional abuse?  I would appreciate some opinion from other Mum's and Dads on this,  any comments would help ,it can be done anonomously (sp) . when your world changes so dramtically ,your  view can get so warped ,,I need   a reality check again '

 So we re arranged and decluttered and decorated  yesterday in the lounge .  I'm still not that happy with the  furniture  placement ,but that more to do wih the way the room is set out I  think ,but hey don't forget this is me talking !    please excuse again the poor quality of  some  ,but you'll get the general idea .  The book stacks are just thrown there really ,I can't live without books around me so still need to do those in a better arrangement ,tree's still not finished ,but she looks good in the corner .