Strength and Friends ..............

from Brain Tumour Buddies  ,wonderful messages to inspire  ,

I get asked all the time 'How do you hold it together? '   To me there is no other option  ,I have children who I value most out of anything  ,I want to watch them grow ..  I'm no stronger than the next person and it's life that has taught me strength  , and  I use what I have learnt to 'keep it together'  . 

I couldn't get through the day though without the support and love I  recieve from my family and friends ,I  have been so lucky and see,  this is where good, good ,things come from not so good  ,I have reconnected on Face Book  with girlfriends I grew up with ,after so many years out of each others lives it's  like we have never been apart , we laugh and sometimes cry ,send each other jokes and quotes and messages of inspiration ,It is wonderful .  My dear friend whom I  have known for the last 8  years rings me everyday just to say Hello ,she will  drop everything and come if I ask . I am so blessed and grateful for these wonderful women in my life.


Yay it's Saturday tomorrow ,my fav day  . I haven't any plans really , today

I slept for 3 hours again so this resting business is really kicking in now .  I did a bit more of my Tea Cosy ,I would have finished it by now in the past ,but I'm happy with how I'm going . I would like to make at least 3 more for presents ,I think I'll do the little ones  it will be quicker .

I'm reading again too !  this is so good ,I  started a new book today ,a good light read and am really enjoying it, I m not as fast as I used to be and don't read for as long, but I'm reading and comprehending
 this is great progress for me. 

Have a Fabulous Weekend

Blah Blah Blah

A blah day!  kind of boring really ,god ,  I really have been like a chipmunk on speed  ,everything is so SLOW now  . I walk slow , talk slow , think slow (well that hasn't changed actually )   .I've just woken up from sleeping since about 8.30 ish  . Still guess it hasn't been as bad as I thought except for the blah ness .

Had a major panic attack about xmas ,I  really must buy some presents or at least finish shopping .I'm a great one for  cleaning  up the minutist spillage of something pronto  !                                                                                                                                              
 ,but mention shops ,shopping ,shopping malls in quick sucession and I'll
 procrastinate till the cows come home .  Luckily I have a quite a few things that I have bought over the past year in a wardrobe , provided they are still there of course ,they could have been biffed in my mad clean up ??.   ,and I've had so many requests for Tea cosy's ,that there will be a few of them under the tree  ,luckily I  have quite a stock pile of them , I  was a rather prolific maker of tea cosy's for a while!  and yesterday I actually picked up a crochet hook and managed to crochet! its not the best tension ,but its okay just for the achievement value  ,the only thing I'm finding hard  is the mess of the wool ,it hurts my brain!  I spend more time rolling the ball of wool up neatly than the actual crochet.

Tea cosy  in the making

   

Hello Sleep !

I've been sleeping ! yes , nodding off all over the place  ,its quite weird ! can't say I'm enjoying it though as it just inerfered with my day yesterday . I.ve got so used to being busy and having a schedule for everything that any change rocks the boat .  I guess that's the ocd , . I knew I'd start to sleep after stopping the dex ,but I thought I'd enjoy it more .  I'm still up early but I slept from 12 .   I really don't mean to moan as I know I  need to sleep ,its the routine thing I'm sure and hopefully that starts to settle too . 

I'm supposed to be getting my  stitches out today and getting groceries ,  yes,  I spoke with the doctor and got a 'We wondered where you went ,the doctor was looking for you'  ! I  just repeated about the patience thing but it really went  over the receptionists head    lol so back to normal then!! I will email gp though  with my concens ,  and its not just about me ,I   have watched so many people waiting there almost loosing the will to live!  I  just dont get how they seem to ignore it ,we all expect waiting time of course we do ,but we should not accept giving our life over to the place for almost the whole morning or afternoon, we have lives too!     So I will see how I go  ,I'm too tired now to go there ,so my dramatic exit the other day backfired somewhat cos now I haven' t got the energy !!   

Xmas cracker made by my eldest son 10 years ago (very precious to me )

bits of the tree!

Merry Xmas .

Sooo 'I ll be skinny again then ?'

I stop taking the dexamethasone today yay !  although I am a wee (undersatement ) bit apprehensive ,this steroid changed and saved my life in more ways than one ,  It enabled me to live life again symptom free before the op and aid  so much after . The down side has been the weight gain and feelings of anger and agressiveness  ,but the upside has been my cooking !!!! look out Nigella  and Jamie  ,I  discovered taste again and its  been a few weeks of  almost  gourmet  meals ! not expensive but full of flavours and fresh veges  and lots and lots of peanut butter on toast
! ..Oh how I will miss you !   lashings  and lashings of peanut butter ,it was a sight  that had to be seen to be believed!!!! 

Crashed the BB yesterday ,poor T had to explain it all  to the tech on the phone as I knew I wouldn't be able to ,  he is so good and he spent an hour with them following their  instruction with me being a right pain in the background , yelling out suggestions and weell being ignored really ,I'm sure he and the tech were rolling their eyes at me and wishing I'd disappear so they could just get on with fixing the problem . I do worry I put too much pressure on him ,with my moods and OCD  , He has watched his Mum change so much and its so confusing for him at imes ,  I do wonder, if its a ,   form of ,  dare I say it  emotional abuse?  I would appreciate some opinion from other Mum's and Dads on this,  any comments would help ,it can be done anonomously (sp) . when your world changes so dramtically ,your  view can get so warped ,,I need   a reality check again '

 So we re arranged and decluttered and decorated  yesterday in the lounge .  I'm still not that happy with the  furniture  placement ,but that more to do wih the way the room is set out I  think ,but hey don't forget this is me talking !    please excuse again the poor quality of  some  ,but you'll get the general idea .  The book stacks are just thrown there really ,I can't live without books around me so still need to do those in a better arrangement ,tree's still not finished ,but she looks good in the corner .

Taking the leap .......

I had my Pathology results back today ,it  was confirmed the brain  tumour was  metastasis from the liposarcoma   ,which didn't suprise me at all .It's what I have always thought ,so now it' really is about taking that big leap of faith and trust it doesn't come back .The resection appparently worked and they did get it all ,yay!  of course there is  downside ,and I am going to have to have Radiation Therapy ,but I  always said I would take all preventative measures offered ,so I'll wait for theletter and keep on keeping on .

I had another tantrum today,I 'm getting so sick of them, I stormed out of my Doctors ,I went to get my stitches out , My doctors is probably one of the worst in regards to waiting times ,but after monthly visists for 2 years I had kinda got used to it ,I  would make a morning of it by going to the library and stop at a fave cafe for a coffee whilst waiting ,sometimes for over an hour ,   I'd of make the best out of the situation ....anyway today I warned the nurse my patience is very limited and to just start on the stitches without the my gp looking at wound(It has healed beautifully ,bald but beautiful!) .

She insisted on wating for gp and as  I said ,I stormed out after managing 45  mins , I said to Mum  ,I'm going,  I guess I wasnt too bad as I saw the  look of trepidation on Mum' face waiting for me to explode. So I just walked out the door . Now I've got to go back, I know that , but I will be putting in a complaint ,oh   ,and 2 other patients had already complained . Just had a thought, maybe they won't want me back. I  havent  received a phone call, so will ring them in the morning .I have only stayed there as the gp genuinely is a very caring ,good gp ,but over booking and poor time management by her and her staff is not conducive to the well being of her clients .As a nurse I can see all sides ,so its a shame 

I have decorated my tree! but it's still not fully done so won't be putting up any pics yet! I'm happy with it so far though and the lounge is starting to take shape ,it is so nice looking at the fairy lights  twinkling .  I 've added quite a bit of red too and coping with it rather well!  So that was my day ,full of the usual dramas that I seem to have or create !! brain tumours huh?  .

I must go back and get some more of these cute little tins ,nice for a little gift  .I of course want to keep this one !

Is Reality sinking in ? or am I coming back?

Snoopy's Christmass!!!!!!WHE...   EE .....EE

'Xmas time,  oh  Xmas time, ringing through the land '!

'Bringing peace to all the world '

Difficult day ,very, very, difficult ,awash with tears and tantrums ...all by me . The sleep deprivation is starting to hit bigtime and I'm feeling like I'm on a downward spiral a 'downer'  which is the druggie term I believe .  The brutal side of this whole mess ,in fact every thing does seem brutal and hard and sore ,I'm sore all the time in my head, and and body ,I stop sometimes and just feel the pain ,it hurts all over ,constantly too I realised . I guess I block it out as I'm on the go all the time, and when I stop, the nerve endings in my body are screaming . I have cuts and bruises everywhere ,from  banging into things .My hands are a wreck(from constant gardening) which is painful in more ways than one when you have
ocd, as you hate the thought of uncleanliness, so my hands are always in water , the plasters ( I have 6 on my hands at the moment) are always coming off ,so more go on ....get the ocd picture ,it' s a birth of a new obsession ,such fun huh? brutal, yep, a  good word ,its what I am, too brutally honest  ,I'm a pain  I do know that ...tooo full on like ,  and the bizare thing is ,it's so not how I was or am?(  GOD )   sorry its all gone twisted again in my head  ,like I said am I coming back to how I was? or have I changed into how I am?  I honestly don't see a heck of a lot of daily improvement ,

and good will to maaan !!!!!!!

I have got better ,  ie my arm and leg strength is better ,but I'm still unsteady. My talking is still weird ,blah blah blah ..........I'm like white noise aren't are ,this constant hum of ...well moaning ,heck  I wouldn;t listen to me !     so a lot of crappiness today ,I started trying to fix the Xmas tree , at least I still feel motivated enough to do the decorations ,but also depressed enough to put it off ,! bit slow tonight which probably is a good thing , gosh I may sleep! had a couple of hours today ,thank god, because I was exhausted  utterly drained ,wasted ,toast ,kaput !    lol sometimes a bit of silly inane chatter can only be good right , but wait there's more !   another brutal honesty moment! one of the weird and boy, I mean weird ,things I started doing when the symptoms started was say stuff like ' kyla moo' ,'infra stein' ,'meka dista line' fela tula ' ista nula ?????? I mean WHAT ? its so sounds like I'm  speaking a different language   ,isn't that just the weirdest thing?  I mean you make excuses as to why you do it eg  I've always done silly little ditties for my children ,like singing out loud crazy sounding  lyrics etc but when  I started doing this I only said it to myself  ,like I knew I would embarass myself if anyone heard,   I recognise its sounds nuts even as I'm doing it but I can't stop my self straight  away ,,gee ,see' I sound crazier by the bloody minute don't I  ,oh  and please excuse the swearing ,never used to do that much before either ,but I can control that to some extent other wise these posts would be banned by the upstanding blogger community that

 a bit of that brutal honesty.plaster upon plaster

and to the left

I joined lol ,I  could change but hey its something I've GOT control over if I really think about it so its for the good .OR  I really have been taken over by aliens ......... AWW Snoopy cheered me up ! I love Snoopy's Xmas song !!!!

The tree I'm going to try to emmulate , with white,silver and gold.

I wish I had stairwell !

I'm inspired to the maximum ! ...........

Hello I'm back! hehe I rested and think  slept for a little while then i spent some time(well alot) of time catching up on all the wonderful blogs ! wow I'm so inspired by you all so thankyou for the motivation i cant wait untill I'm up to full speed again to learn  .I do get a wee bit down when I can't do what I want to do in regards to improving my photography ,I can go outsde to the garden and snap away like there is no tomorw but come inside and I lose the plot,! i guess it will improve with time and at least I can now use my right side better and see where something is ,not that I'm blind or anything but my distance is all out and things look out of place ,and all my reading this morning was a first since the operation which means my concentration is nearluy back to full speed ,so I am so grateful for that. well must go now i/ve bored myself hehe ,no seriously i lvoe writing ,it helps me so much , i am so much healthier mentally beacuse of it ,on the road back to me!!have a wonderful Sunday .

A no sleep night ,and a Wonky Tree ....................

Soo
I went to bed or should i say went to the sofa! I' m sleeping on my lovely comfy sofa as i find the queen bed too big
!  strange but true ,I get like this after hospital ,



I  did last time too ,the bedroom just seems too big(and it's not) and lonely i guess ,i have the television on all the time too where as normaly i don't . I'm wide awake and really don't think i will sleep at all, gosh i can't wait to come off these meds . Oh and I'm a bit excited too ,I've just watched Kirsties Xmas and she ,bless her , got me all motivated to start decorating the house ,it's only taken a week!  ,plus I  bought a cute wee decoration at the garden centre today, to go along with the my gorgeous St Nick ! I call hi m St Nick rather than Santa as he is just so old fashioned looking  , a round jolly St Nick .
Isn't he  just beautiful ! and I'm having a lot of white /silver this year ,I seem to have become rather obsessed with white since
I  developed the OCD ,yes I have this now, but I've been told its quite normal too ,one of the symptoms from the meds and residual from the tumour and the swelling on my brain . Gosh it was hard to write that ,as I don't really like to talk about it .Mind you , the house has never been so clean and I've discovered (apart from the earlier weeks chaoticness) I'm actually quite organised  or more so (an understatement there, I'm, OVER. THE. TOP . organised!).   Anyway it's about decorating ,this post , I will stay on track I promise ! . I need to straighten out the tree branches and FIX the tree
( oh child of mine),and have a  last look at the decorations ,I threw out all the old and tired ones ,apart from a couple  that I 've kept of the children's , I just can't bear to part with  (as us Mum's do!)  Oh  yes White ,  I have white potted plants ie  petunias and impatients with alyssum , I will show them when all the outside is done . I need to replace my outside lights as they have decided not to work this year .  If I could import some snow, I tell you I would be in heaven !  all you gorgeous English ladies I'm jealous!  A lovely girlfriend if mine is in Enland for a few months and she makes me envious with her  updates of all the tradititions she is partaking in,   she describes every thing so deligthfully though so I forgive her!   Kirsties Home made home  is on again so even more motivation he he ,she is doing some amazing things ,and all quite simple too. oh and gold ,can't remember if silver and gold is okay ? but with the white to break  it should be okay? ,I' ve lain some side by side and it looks okay ,but i really don't care as its what i want ,and anything goes doesnt' it  ,? I dont want too much red  where in the past it would have been everywhere ,red is a bit too  much for me now ,too fiery and bold ,it hurts to look at it too long ,although ST Nick is okay but he's cute. I've just tried to fix the tree and that didn't work ,now I have to find a thin rod or something ,don't you just love children who play with the tree and break it??it !!!!!!!! Well now I've lost the tape ,I shoved a pencil in the tube bit and that broke!,,,well o fcourse it would! honestly the things  I think will work!!  it seemed a good idea at the time and that's all I;m going to say about that! I tell you If you could see me sometimes!!! .  and no its not pity i'm after its laughter ,cos it really is funny when you recognise idiosyncrasies(sp)  about your self it's actually very very telling! I  know what my mother meant about me now ! when i was a child ,you were right mother!   i think  I 'll just buy a new tree!  except i wont cos this is only the second year of this one !!!! I would have had a real one but don't think i could stand the mess.  Well now what? ,Id better find the tape and I'll pop back later with more tales of 'Kimmy and the
Wonky Tree.' to be contd!

Such a good good day ...Yay !

Well after yesterday who would have thought  today would be so lovely .T went down to a family thing for the night so i had most of the day to myself .Mum took me to the garden centre ,which always makes me happy and now i think im set for Xmas to have the garden looking nice . I got a few more potted flowers and some more vege plants . the only thing to go wrong  was mum and I mixed up the plants so she has some of mine and I have some of hers .I should have reminded her that she needs to check me as i cant really count properly and get carried away ,putting things away ,that things do get mixed up ,it looks all normal at the time ,but seriously its chaotic! oh well ,I planted what I had here and will do the rest tomorrow.  Also it was sooo windy that the conservatory door slammed shut and broke a pane of glass in the window next to it!! ,I picked it up and then asked the neightbour to carry it round the back for disposal as I was scared Iwould do one of my famous stumbles and fall on the stuff! ,thank god for wonderful neighbours !    so     yes it has been a good day with yesterdays dark mood gone . i know its g oing to be up and down  for awhile so i'll grab the good times when they occur! and i have this blog to let it all out with the not so good ,it really really helps writing every day ,good for the Brain !!  .I pottered about in the healing room,   this is what I'm calling the rearranged garage as I realised it will be a nice place to sit and do whatever I feel like ie reading ,reflecting, looking for house ideas! lol ,one day i'm going to have my business !no matter what so may as well make good use of the extra room. 

roses and more roses

Add caption

given to me by a very special lady(my second mum) 18 years ago ,i thought of her today a lot

wedding gift from my second mum , i sent on the pics to her,to let her know i was thinking or her


So that was my day ,it was a day of remeberence too ,i find i do reminess  a lot now ,its nice and a bonus of my differently wired self !   

Too much trouble

Too muh trouble alright , !have        just deleteda whole post!!!!!!!!! i give up on today  i really do,well at least  its omorrow now ! ARGGGGG i'm so over it !
!see too much trouble ,going out ,talking to people , the list goes on today . i think i was just writing       about the saying its'all about me'   that's so true o me at the moment t
s not funny and I loathe it.I'm not that sort of person really at all .  everything and everyone annoyed me today  .   okayi;ll have to keep his short today as my typing and thought s are all over the place ,i had a sleep earlier too . apart from being a B and hating the world ,i cleared out more garden on the neighbours    side huge mess   forgot    to         take pics ,i shouldnt had done it reallly but its done now and looks so much better.






i took a few pices of around    the  place,all the thing s still to do really,though i did another R sided thing and tidied up the TV corner ,took me weeks to figure it out!its bugged me everyday!lol

next to the tv

front terrace

DREss me please ! maybe tomorrow and fix the top of me !

tidy me please!!!!

at leat this looks tidy!

50 First Dates ........

Do you remember that movie ? with Drew Barrymore ?  I was thinking about it early this morning when i read back what i had written last night . i had repeated my self re the right sided thing  ! hadn't even realised till then!  i didn't seem to make that big a deal of it the first time either he he ..yet the second time was like a miracle ! gosh i had a giggle because i remembered that movie . It  really is like that some days ,like ,i got a new phone a few weeks before the op ,to me ,a phone is
 necessary etc but
I didn't really care about all the bells and whistles  ,anyway, when i was in hospital i discovered one night what it could do ,its connected to Face book!  well i knew that ,but it didn't really register as that great or anything ,well i had a ball with the thing ,got excited as i realised i could update my status etc, sent photos of myself to everyone and generally replayed all my days (lol i must have bored or driven people insane !  I have pretty much done the same ever since,  along with my blog, which very few of my family and friends know about  . this is more personal to me being a record of my feelings as well . Heck I have now lost my train of thought .....oh yes the phone , now I'm back using the PC ,i hardly use the mobile!  i use the land line but the mobile ,I forget i have it ,it ususally in my bag or the dsek drawer  and this is the 50 first dates thing  ,i see it and i get all excited about it All over again ! i think oooh thats right the phone !! and i take it out and read the 50 ! messages and voice mails ,start reading the texts ,most saying 'do you ever have your phone with you ?  um yes just not all  the time he he and promptly pop it back into the drawer/bag and forget about it all over again!  so there are some of my 50 first date type moments .I do also have to say the day first thing or i wake up thinking its Saturday ,,its always Saturday ! unless i do.why Saturday,? possibly because its my fav day of the  week ,i do remember that !I  had a lovely day today too ,more gardening and tyding up out the back of the garage ,it looks so much better ,its not the most attractive of areas, usual, for these types of units. i was worried about my dex reduction day ,but apart from feeling unwell a bit at lunch time ,after a lie down i came right again and thats a bit of a first having a lie down ,i dont at all ususally ,although i told mum i do  ,mainly because people expect you to rest ,but the pills dont enable much restfulness,a main reason why its good not to be on them too long .   here some pics of today,at last some daylight ones! It was a gorgeous sunny warm day today.   Well i'm ready to wind down for the night ,early for me so that's good!  mind you i've said THAT before .

practicing for my wooden ladder !

ooh look there's miss chubby!

toward the back door

newly potted impatients from cuttings

newly cleaned door!!

the whole back

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