50 First Dates ........

Do you remember that movie ? with Drew Barrymore ?  I was thinking about it early this morning when i read back what i had written last night . i had repeated my self re the right sided thing  ! hadn't even realised till then!  i didn't seem to make that big a deal of it the first time either he he ..yet the second time was like a miracle ! gosh i had a giggle because i remembered that movie . It  really is like that some days ,like ,i got a new phone a few weeks before the op ,to me ,a phone is
 necessary etc but
I didn't really care about all the bells and whistles  ,anyway, when i was in hospital i discovered one night what it could do ,its connected to Face book!  well i knew that ,but it didn't really register as that great or anything ,well i had a ball with the thing ,got excited as i realised i could update my status etc, sent photos of myself to everyone and generally replayed all my days (lol i must have bored or driven people insane !  I have pretty much done the same ever since,  along with my blog, which very few of my family and friends know about  . this is more personal to me being a record of my feelings as well . Heck I have now lost my train of thought .....oh yes the phone , now I'm back using the PC ,i hardly use the mobile!  i use the land line but the mobile ,I forget i have it ,it ususally in my bag or the dsek drawer  and this is the 50 first dates thing  ,i see it and i get all excited about it All over again ! i think oooh thats right the phone !! and i take it out and read the 50 ! messages and voice mails ,start reading the texts ,most saying 'do you ever have your phone with you ?  um yes just not all  the time he he and promptly pop it back into the drawer/bag and forget about it all over again!  so there are some of my 50 first date type moments .I do also have to say the day first thing or i wake up thinking its Saturday ,,its always Saturday ! unless i do.why Saturday,? possibly because its my fav day of the  week ,i do remember that !I  had a lovely day today too ,more gardening and tyding up out the back of the garage ,it looks so much better ,its not the most attractive of areas, usual, for these types of units. i was worried about my dex reduction day ,but apart from feeling unwell a bit at lunch time ,after a lie down i came right again and thats a bit of a first having a lie down ,i dont at all ususally ,although i told mum i do  ,mainly because people expect you to rest ,but the pills dont enable much restfulness,a main reason why its good not to be on them too long .   here some pics of today,at last some daylight ones! It was a gorgeous sunny warm day today.   Well i'm ready to wind down for the night ,early for me so that's good!  mind you i've said THAT before .

practicing for my wooden ladder !

ooh look there's miss chubby!

toward the back door

newly potted impatients from cuttings

newly cleaned door!!

the whole back

)

Hello my other half !!!!!!!!!

I found the other half of me !   I folded the washing NORMALLY !  usually I fold everything on my left ,get up and put it away and leave a pile on the right ,and discover it all when i walk back into the room ,well i was sitting there and i reaslised i was picking up clothes ,folding them ,placing them on the floor then reaching out for more ,all to the right! oh what a feeling that was ,the dawning realisation that such a normal sort of task was well, normal!    and i did much the same with my right for most of the day . So So pleased that this has come back  to almost full function .

Guess what ,i have done the garage .  I was very motivated this morning and started early before mum picked me up to do my groceries . It  was easy although i had a big mess in the corner right up to the end of the day ,again i spent a lot of time shifting it all around ,falling over it and generally getting very annoyed ,I Know i had frustration written all over my face .It was to do with all my retro kitchenalia ,i thougth i had to display it and i was really irritated because i really didn't want to but again i couldn't connect the two processes  ,again i finally said to my self ,'put in the storage area ' so off i went at full speed then as it all became clear , Gee  only took 5 hours or so ! talk about eye roll ! so heres some pics ,still lots to fuss around with and it really does need painting which i will have to ask someone nicely to help or I'll be off up ladders, falling off ladders and paint will be spread into next week!  ........ OOh  thats right my son  J is a painters apprentice now ,he he , and when he comes from Aussie this is what he'll be doing lol ,it was so funny when i mentioned it to him , he laughed and said "um mum ,i can do it ,i am a painter now you know !    such a honey that boy of mine ,did i mention how i can't wait to see him? i can't wait ,J is my xmas boy we have always loved doing xmas together even now he's 18   ! he's always been my best xmas present when he comes home . right i'll stop gonig on ,god i go off into a tangent at times dont i ssh kim get on with it !

So at last huh , i think i'm happy with it for now ,who knows may hate it all again tomorrow but i have made a list of things i need to get for the laundry area, those shelves , another table, as the one by the cane thingy is actually T's  toy drawers ! ,i think ,dont know what to do there yet apart from paint .  The floor has a terrible lean to it to so its hard to get things straight looking ! and crooked anything does my head in at the moment !  oh and a day bed . then the loft bit which i'm really looking froward to doing ,i actually have that all planned .no rush for that tho prob not till after the xmas hols.  Well its bedtime ,I'm  nicely tired ,had a horror hour at pill time tonight  waiting for them to kick in and I was in quite a bit of pain ,in fact i hurt everywhere for awhile ,i cried in the shower because i realised how much i was sore . all the head scar ,im covered in blimmin cuts and bruises all the time from stumbling and falling  ,sorry sounds like a pity party ,   it's not,  its just how it is ,  and it catches up with me every now and then ,but that's what pain relief is for! so once that kicks in its  all okay again ,and there is so much to be grateful for nearly every min of the day ,thats the focus ,thats what gets one to wellness .   Ka Kite .

A saner day

Yes ,some sanity prevailed today thank goodness . I wont say I felt like my old self or 'fully balanced ' (def not that lol) but had long periods of time where the madness wasn't so obvious ,and the other good news ,some physical changes   ie I acknowledged my right side !  when i fold washing i will leave a  pile to my right ,everything on the left is folded up ,then i usually get up to put it away and leave everything on my right  ,tonight i automatically folded everything to my right ,and knew i had ! this is big for me ,its shows i am improving and the damage isn't permanent  so a huge sigh of relief there ,i will watch myself tomorrow and hopefully it stays the same.    


I spent the day in the garage and a lot of improvement there !  although it's actually quite hard for me to talk about the garage after the last few days fiasco  ,i dont know if its embarrassment ,frustration ,sadness almost ?   i think back to looking at that chaotic mess ,a mess i thought was all  meant to be and yeah i get sad ,that is the feeling ...   I  worked out why i was leaving it everywhere ..I didn't remember where i was going to put it ,i knew i had a storage area but i was waiting for me to clear that out   and  put all the other stuff in ,i couldnt understand why it wasnt ,i could not connect the two  ,i didnt need to clear anything out as it was all storage anyway ,i just needed to push it back a bit and put stuff in front .  Sounds complicated huh and i've probably bored you silly but this is what i do lol    woking things out is what i do ,simple working things out =  mind jamming huge problems that have to have a solution found!     I had an Eureka moment,  I actually yelled  'OMG  it goes in there! ' pointing to the storage cupboards ...  So yeah it makes me sad .,but I got on with it after a little cry , I dont do crying much and it was good for me not to supress my sadness ,the meds do that enough for me anyway esp as i.m reducing the Dex, ,anger comes up ,lots of anger ,angry at sad even .   I'm typing better too ,it feels easier ,never was a good typist but got by . So after NOT wanting to talk about that i've gone on and on!   guess its good to write it down ,gets it out there in my head.  

So heres some pics  ,usual story ,not finished  ,lots to arrange blah blah  but it is better and I dont just think that ,T even said 'gee mum you've done a lot of cleaning up today '   see those cupboards on the right ,yep ,they are the storage ones! sigh,   lots and lots of storage .  just put a mattress there till the bed comes  .  phew ! lots to do but I'l lget there , ooh and it was lovely going thru all my books  ,can't wait till i start reading properly again.  lots of old favs and hey lets face it I've  probably forgotten a few and they will be like new again!    and here I go ,  I  wasnt going to talk about this but I cant let it go either . This morning I rang my old flatmate to come and get the rest of her stuff (this after my eureka moment)  she came and I screamed and yelled at her for a good half hour ,this a friend who we both agreed shud move when i got sick ,but i thought we were still going to be okay ,she has visited once since and that was to pickup something she has not  come near me other wise ,her reasoning being that  she was told to stay away from me ,not true  and anyway as i pointed out to her if you really cared you wouldnt give a flying fig or listen to anyone trying to have control like that .i was so bloody angry ,so was she ,you know she looked so shocked when she saw me ? my head ,my weird  walking  ,what did she think had happened to me ? no idea at all? ,I never ask for sympathy ,I'll tell it like it is but i dont do pity or any of those other things ,she said almost its always about me ! well my god i wish it wasnt ,sorry im getting angry again....... i'll stop now long story short the friendship was toxic ,so it was time to stop it and im relieved .   troubled, troubled though  ,let it go Kim let it go ......thats the brain thing tho i think ,obsessing about everything .   so yeah, then the social worker from the hospital rang and i was still so angry ,she explained that

dex reduction can and does cause extreme periods of rage and anger ,i upset T who just doesn't need that sort of crap esp today of all days .it was horrible  ,so  so angry at mysef  .  sorry .    Right I,m tired ,writing that exhausted me ! yay we like exhaustion ,that means sleep!!!   thankyou whoever may read this ,for listening ,oh and before i forget ,please excuse me not commenting or getting to read yr blogs regularly ,its only  until my full concentration comes back ,your beautiful blogs deserve full attention  .

Headaches ,Sleeping and craziness ......

Hello ,
So yesterday was a day from hell  ,  I was so exhauseted and strung out ,I feel like I lived six days in one  and was spinning so fast out of control . Gosh sleep is so important isn't it ?    I,ve just woken up now at 4 after going to sleep sitting on the floor by the couch last night at about 11 ?   i was all curled up ! then i got onto the couch and slept  ! thankyou god !  but i'm really troubled and a bit sad ,  it's hard to put into words the feeling s of absolute confusion at my thought process   ,the old say\ing that 'everyone else  is mad'    or 'its not me' keep repeating in my head  ,but it is me  ,i feel nuts a lot of the time ,or not' with it ' or one step removed from myself  ? oh ts hard to explain ,i  get so frustrated !!!!!  
i had a few headaches too which doesnt help  ,especilly after banging my head  under the table when i was cleaning up after dinner last night ,  why oh why did i di that ,I cant judhe distance well at all so just forgot to check above me !!! luckily i hit the hard back bit and not the actual scar area ,don't thnk that would have been so good.    







and loook at thoses photos i did of the garage ,see ,  they should have been a telling thing about the last 48 hrs or so , I mean wat a bloody mess!    it came to me at last night that all the collections i was going to dispaly in there WERE ALL STILL IN THE LOUNGE !   all that other stuff was  the crap or real junk stuff ,  that one little bit of sanity came thru lol ,i'm so embarassed!  well not really cos i know i cant help it ,so i'll laugh instead .     the mess see I don't do mess anymore and that was how i as getting while the tumour was growing  ,bits and pieces of junk everywhere all displayed in what i thought was an artistic way!   so a lot of old behavior is stil there . Oh how wonderful . so here is a pic of the shelf done with less junk !   i did this yesterday afta my realisation and before i went a bit nuts again ............so as you can see even tho they are crap photos it does look a bit better!

I.ve shifted the shelf since too ,in fact the whole garage is back to chaos again ,and THIS did my head in again last nite ,what drove me to finally crash and burn ,,,i was going up   and down those steps every few minutes or so ,,picking up some thing ,putting it down ,stumbling over precious china like it was newspaper ,,dropped a lid of a sugar bowl ,and just stepped over it ,T had to stop me walking in it   ,i was carrying things in my bad arm like they were ,just hanging off my hand with no feeling of them being there ,honestly i could have broken and ruined a lot of years of memories ,some of this was my grandmothers ,years and years old and very precious to me.   So as you can see it sure wasnt a good day.

OH HELL ,its the 6th today!!!! M's second  year anniversary of his death ,oh how did i forget that till now???/  oh M ,im sorry  ,thought of you all last week too ,cos i knew u would watch over me with the op ,oh honey i miss u ,u would have helped me so much with the brain thing cos u knew so much aye ??  oh hun what a hard couple of years huh ,but hey your boy is the most amazing ,strong ,beautiful little man EVER!  such a credit to you M  ,your times of  being great dad outshone those when u found fatherhood overwhelming .he is a bright caring young boy with so so  much love in his life and u would be so so proud of him.. I'll pick him up like u used to and just hug him ,,,okay?   WOW 2 years ....gosh it goes fast ,time huh a healer ,? I don't know ,its a bitch while your'e wading through all the crap and trying to work out why a little boy has to lose his dad. M always said tho of all the things that happened in his life there was a God cos he had T ,he never thort he would be a hands on dad so that is a blessing ,and i know he's there with us while i'm going thru his cos BOY M  knew about brain stuff aye

m ! u taught me everything i know ,that's why i can handle this,heck u did ti for years ! Thanks m for letting us know u .No one ever got us did they?they probably never will ,but we did ,that what matters. xxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxx

Whew I'm okay now and a blessing too ,I mean it is only 6 oclock in the morning so i did remember M early so i can carry him in my head all day ! .xxxx

so M heres some pics of my head ,something else we would have laughted about Comparing Scars !!!! talk about irony ,how u hated your scar ,well bugga off        i,ve got one now so GET OVER IT  LOL !

so lookk away those that mite find it a bit gory ,but this is my head .... lol look i,ve still got some pretty hair !!!  in an unfocussed weird light type way lol . not a bad cut aye?    i suprised my self cos if you swa it properly it erally isn't bad lol  .

The actual garden by which I mean , I have no photos of on here ???????

pots of flowers

more  of the same !!

by the conservatory

rain on roese

looking towards the tyres of veges

new seeds about 3 weeks old? just starting to take off

I can't believe my self most of the time ,I been going on about my 'brain Garden and showing lots of gorgeous roses but not much esle really lol , Something has been bugging me all day and that was it!  /i rent my unit so its of course not how it would be if it were my own. but it really is coming along now ,i started it abou ta month ago from last year but not a lot done to it .especially when i was going through the junk/glass bottle/little bitty pottery jar phase !!!!! sight to behold belive me..........we now know this was all related to the tumour  ,and my crazy mind!    i was trying to get that whole effect of..........well not sure really  ....a garbage heap? a midden?  a big sandpit ........ some nice glass bottles tho ,pretty blue ones EVERYWHERE !!!!!!!!!! anyway here a few pics taken this morning   ,loved the rain yesterday . So theres a look at the back and yep I ,ve hardly taken any at all of the deck/terrace !  or i.ve frogotten ,i will have to look throug a few more tonight . Now i must head back to the pit  before i have a nana nap ,feeling a wee bit jaded now after the doctors and going to the lobrary ,i cant read read like i used to but nothing will stop me trying ,and i got a couple of xmas deco books and food to heal your life books ! they will be intersesting concdiering my love ot it at the mo .!!!!!!   oh and i wore my mum out again poor thing she is too old for this ,its supposed to be the other way round !!!!!

looking  into conservatory and kitchen

rosy red

The 'Ole' 3.45 am lark!!

Well looky here ! the  birds are almost singing !  in fact I,m sure I hear one or two .... My fault though I skited too much yesterday morning as I had nesrly 6 hours sleep
! huh ! i'ts NOT HAPPENING tonight  .My fault though really as I ran out of one of my meds ,I  had to use one of my own lot of meds in hospital and ran short for the weekend ,oh joy of joys. I've done okay but a bit of withdrawal tonight  ,it's horrible having to rely on artifical crap to get through the day at  times ,but it is part of my life now and  I really can't do much about it ...and I'm really ,really, trying to type good! ,you should see me ,my nose is so close to the keyboard I am just  about typing with it . .........and after 50 or so corrections I have got this far !   I just don't get old brain up there ,I  mean Spell check is there to ...well , ..spell check ?????   I go to use it and sit there looking blankly at words that look like all the European languages rolled into a few Swahili and  mean that with all due respect to all foreign languages .!  So I have to type ,or not, as the case seems to be . Sigh ..... 

Gosh I had a great day yesterday though ,T and I were supposed to start decorating the house for Xmas  , I knew this would be a lot for my little old head to get around cos it means lots of dis-order and a lot of getting things organised in my head in regards to colours and keeping things tidy while dressing 5 ft xmas trees  ! (See how this brain works now !!???)   so I toddled off in my ususal focused yet distracted way, putting it off and ended up in the garage where joy oh joys got, totally motivated by even more mess !    5  hours or so later ...........  I'd made a big dent in the  place!  here's a few pics ,some things I  have changed again and it's nowhere near finished ,now, that could take till after Xmas!
I still have things to go through in my cabinet in lounge that may look good in places out there so yeah, this is going to be one long on going project!

)

jewelery  box collection

TV!! ugh ugly thing !

jewelery box collection

looking into laundry area

my crochet

my miss mice

little shoe rack/mag table

Llyod  loom chair

oh look more mess

hung a  (tablecloth up ) it is  cream! bad light! 

a few of my op shops find prints

jewelery boxes and frames

little seating area

Well that  was a lot of nothing really !  I  ,thought I  had taken more ,  SOOOO duh!  just ran off a couple more lol !   Did you see the TV there?  I wasn't going to have one there bit it will be good t for when I put the bed in there for visitors .T and I don't have one in our rooms so I'll get some longer aerial wire today ,tv works quite good just with it hanging  there ,doesn't look so pretty though!

some of my op shop finds prints

 So as you can see there is a long way  to go! ,it will be changed I know 50 x ,it needs  painting and there ' still half a garage with junk piled high ,but its better than it was ,funny as its actually a bit messsy looking to me now whereas before I loved the whole junk shop collectible shop look,I' ve been to lots of little shops and thought I'd want the cluttered look ,but since me lovely tumour ,not so much ,I can tell just by how much I have down sized how I'm leaning towatds less is a bit more ,not totally as I stll love things to tell a story .

jewelery boxes and frames

Well looky here again ,it's morning lol ,I.ve had a great a rather prodauctive time so I'm pleased ,don't know how I'll last the day but that's okay ,I am feeing good enough to function for a couple more hours untill I get to the doctors ,I'm also having a dressing change on my scar so that will be good .I washed a whole lot of my scarves(I adore scarves ) and I'm, going to get a turban or two .  I've tidied up the blog too ,headings and profile all updated so that feels productive . (with lots of correcting but its better to try harder ! I will type again!!!!!!

seating area

more crochet

llyod loom

more prints

prints

looking down the stairs